Yin and Yang
by Musa Rox
Summary: Subaru reflects on his life after Seishiro. Post volume 16, spoilers for that. SeishiroSubaru. T, but please tell me if this deserves a higher rating


Disclaimer: I don't own Subaru, Seishiro, or any others mentioned in this fic. They all belong to the almighty CLAMP! Not worthy! (bows down)

Warnings: ANGST! ANGST! SPOILERS!! And randomness, lots and _lots_ of randomness. Oh yeah, and excessive use of ellipsis. Ummm… I _think_ there's some angtsy fluff at the end… depends on your definition of fluff…

Pairings: Subaru/Seishiro (squeal! BEST and most ANGSTY couple EVER!!!); eh, I guess a hint of Subaru/Kamui if you're so inclined, I meant for it to seem as if Subaru cared about him like a brother; erm… mentions of Yuzuriha/Kusanagi, Sorata/Arashi and one-sided Karen/Aoki

Author's notes: hello! My first X/1999 fic! YAAAAY!!!! Please regard me kindly! (bow) Neh, please forgive the _flashbacks_, especially Kamui's. I couldn't remember what he said exactly, and the Barnes and Nobles closest to me didn't stock X/1999. (sob! So sad!). This is about poor Subaru, after the nasty volume 16 incident. Seriously, he goes through so much doesn't he? Even in the Tsubasa-verse, he doesn't get a break. What is he, CLAMP's whipping boy?

Dedication: it's my first day of summer vacation! Frolic with me, fellow fans! This is part of my big vacation bonanza! Seven fics out in one day!

**Yin Yang**

Subaru gently stroked his right eye. No… not _Subaru's_ eye.

His eye. Seishiro Sakurazukamori. The man was so many things, and yet… was none of them.

He was the Sakurazukamori assassin. The murderer of Subaru's dearest sister Hokuto. A kind veterinarian. One of the most powerful onmyōji in the world. The one person who could grant Subaru's dearest wish. But most of all, he was Subaru's one true love.

The former Dragon of Heaven closed his eyes in pain. If he had thought his life was empty and cold before, it was nothing to how he felt now. The walking dead had more passion for life than he did. Subaru mused on how different this feeling was as to when everything was perfect. Back when Hokuto was still alive and Seishiro was nothing more than a magically aware veterinarian.

Then, he wanted to live. He only wanted to help people, and to do that, he needed to live. As the thirteenth head of the Sumeragi clan, he used still used his onmyōjyutsu to aid people… but he felt no happiness in it anymore. It used to be, that he was so happy when a family or individual was free from their evil spirits. Now that Seishiro was gone, the world could end and he would relish it.

Subaru opened his eyes once more and gazed into the mirror next to him, at his reflection. One dull and ugly green eye… and one extraordinarily beautiful gold eye. His face, once handsome, was now thin with hard lines around his thin lips and eyes. He now didn't even have a passing resemblance to his beautiful sister…

He slammed his fist into the mirror, shattering it into millions of pieces. Glass slivers bit into his hand and drew blood, but he felt nothing. He hadn't felt anything since that day… on the Rainbow Bridge… Subaru gazed with loathing at his hand, red with blood… and suddenly he was back at that final encounter with his beloved.

_The smoke cleared. Subaru felt a strange, wet warmth envelope his hand. Was he…?_

_No… NO! Seishiro! Seishiro! SEISHIRO!_

_His traitorous hand, was lodged deep inside the other man's chest. Gold eyes turned up to him, and that face that Subaru loved so much smiled, one last time. Seishiro raised his head and leaned forward, while _he_ was frozen in a multitude of emotions. Fear, shock, anger, love, but most of all, _despair

"_I… You"_

_And with those last words… Seishiro Sakurazukamori left this world. Left his role as a destroyer of humanity. Left Subaru._

A sharp, prickling sensation behind his eyes brought Subaru back to the present.

He breathed in deeply, and slowly exhaled. A quick glance to the side revealed a pack of cigarettes. The same brand _he_ used to smoke.

Subaru idly twirled a cigarette in his fingers, debating whether or not to light it. His body craved the sweet intoxication of the nicotine… but, for some reason…

_But it's still bad for you…_

Kamui…

Subaru's head jerked up, when was the last time he's seen him? Kamui must be feeling very alone, and Subaru and selfishly left…

He gazed at the broken shards. Hokuto would want him to go and help the younger boy. She had always helped people with a cheery smile and an outstretched hand. She was simple, but not simple minded. Whenever Subaru felt sad, or overwhelmed by his responsibilities as the next head of the Sumeragi clan, she was there with a comforting hug and cup of tea. She had taken care of him, and of anyone else who needed it. She was so full of life and laughter, shown in her crazy and unique outfits. If Seishiro had chosen _her_, made the bet with _her_, she surely would have won. Then Seishiro and Hokuto would have been _alive_, and _happy_, and… and… and…

He would have loved _her_.

A sharp twisting in his chest made him break away from the image in front of him. Of a face so like his own, but so much livelier and more beautiful, kissing the most handsome face in the world.

Subaru laughed bitterly, was he so weak and shameful that he was _glad_ his sister was dead? And only so she could never win the love of a man who had also departed this world? The answer was yes. He was weakest when it came to Seishiro. The former Dragon of Heaven had wished only for those golden eyes ­– eye – to turn to _him_, and for that meltingly beautiful smile to be directed at _him._ He didn't care if it was the last thing he saw before death, didn't even care if Seishiro killed him, as long as he could be the center of his beloved's world. Even if it was only for a moment. Even if it was all a lie.

The heterochromatic-eyed man suddenly remembered Kamui. He shook his head ruefully, he had gotten so caught up with his own pain and memories he had completely forgotten that boy. He looked once more at the glass, before carefully picking up every piece and depositing it in the wastebasket. He then went to the bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet.

There was a dreadful lack of supplies in there, further proof of Subaru's neglect to his body, but he managed to find some disinfectant and gauze. Carefully, he washed and bandaged his cut hand. After all, Kamui would worry if he saw that, and he didn't need any more troubles. While his hand was busy wrapping, his mind wondered vaguely how the other Dragons of Heaven were.

Kamui… definitely troubled, especially since he'd disappeared. Subaru smiled fondly, the younger man had so anxieties, not to mention responsibilities, but he was still such a kind boy. He reminded the onmyōji of his sweet-hearted sister.

Yuzuriha was probably keeping Kamui company, and still going out where ever Tokyo was still open. Definitely with Inuki, maybe even with Kusanagi. Yuzuriha was open with her feelings, and he was sure the older man returned them. He had seen them on a date once, and they both had such kind looks in their eyes.

Karen and Aoki he didn't see very often or know very well. Still, he couldn't miss how Karen's eyes drifted to Aoki a little too often to be coincidence, or how those same eyes turned downcast whenever the editor mentioned his family.

Sorata… maybe he'd finally gotten Arashi to open up to him? Subaru was sure that, no matter what, Sorata would be smiling cheekily and mooning over the priestess.

Speaking of the priestess, had Arashi admitted her feelings yet? The last time he was there, it had been painfully obvious that she was deeply in love with him. Who would have thought it? They were complete opposites after all. But, sometimes opposites attracted…

Just like him and Seishiro. Seishiro was the dark to his white. The night to his day. The yin to his yang.

Subaru noticed dully that his hand was wrapped securely. He exited the bathroom and explored the interior of his fridge and cupboards. There were some bowls of instant ramen that were dangerously close the expiration date, tea of dubious quality, and some rank orange stuff that he supposed used to orange juice. but then, he struck gold.

A small bar of chocolate, hidden away in a corner of one of the cabinets. It smelled sweet and enticing, and remembering, how fond Seishiro was of the stuff, bit into it. A strong bitter taste exploded on his tongue, and he smiled ruefully. He was about to throw it away, when he caught another glimpse of his reflection. The gold eye seemed to mock him saying, "What's the matter Subaru? Can't handle the bitter truth?". He viciously bit into the remaining chocolate, wolfing it down in large chunks, only pausing at the end to grimace slightly at the faintly chalky taste.

He gazed once more at his reflection, before his stomach rudely reminded him that it was definitely _not_ full from that meager amount and expected a full meal soon.

He glanced once more around the apartment, but saw nothing a value. There were only a few needed items, his bed, a telephone and fax machine, nothing of true value, except…

In a few quick strides, he exited the kitchen and stood near his bedside table. He picked up the one thing in the world to him that was truly invaluable, and at the same time pierced his heart like a sword. A photograph. _The_ photograph. It showed happier days, back when he was still insanely naïve and optimistic. Back when he was still together with his dear twin. Back when Seishiro still smiled and told Subaru he loved him.

With careful reverence, he folded up the picture and placed it in his pocket. He took one last look at the room that had served as his dwelling place, never his home, for nine years.

He walked toward the door, but hesitated with his hand hovering just above the doorknob. He could walk out now, but that would mean facing the others. He's just… vanished, off the face of the earth. What could he say to them? He was no longer a Dragon of Heaven, in fact, he was now a Dragon of Earth. He was their enemy. Wouldn't it be better if he just… stayed here?

But… then nothing would change.

Besides, he had decided to live, if only so that the last remaining piece if Seishiro inside him could live as well. And he couldn't very well do that if he stayed cooped up inside his apartment. Seishiro was much too lively to cooped up in here. He would have been dreadfully unhappy staying with Subaru the way he was now. After all, that man had always said that he loved his smile.

He grasped the door handle, and swiftly turned it, opening the door. As he stepped into the hallway, he wondered where he should go, where he _could_ go.

Subaru somehow found himself outside, and oh so ironically, under the very Sakura tree that started it all. He reached up a no longer gloved hand and touched the knotted bark. As the new Sakurazukamori, he knew that he would someday have to feed the tree. Have to, kill. He swore, right then and there, that he would never "play" with his victims like Seishiro had. It was… too painful. Besides, he would never be able to smile so care freely as to entice a young man or woman to love him.

Sakura petals gently washed over in, what Subaru was sure was a terrible joke on whatever God there was left, a romantic shower that framed his slight figure. He mused that maybe, _just maybe_, it was Seishiro contacting him from the grave. Who knew? Stranger things had happened in his business after all. Moreover, it was… a nice thought. After all, though he knew that he would never love another, he could always remember Seishiro.

As…

The Sakurazukamori assassin.

The murderer Hokuto.

A kind veterinarian.

One of the most powerful onmyōji in the world.

The one person who could grant Subaru's dearest wish, but chose not to at the expense of his own life.

The Yin to his Yang.

The night to his day.

The smile to his tears.

His death… to Subaru's life

But most of all as Subaru's one true love.

X/1999 END

Soooo…… how was it? Bad, aweful, tolerable, good, great. Drop me a line (and by line I mean review)!

But seriously, I planned this to end _muuuuch_ sooner than it did. it just kept going… and going… and going! Like the energizer bunny! But much less cute an' fluffy, and much more angst-a-rific. Please excuse the random wanderings of this story! I would have it under control… and then my crazy mind would go in a completely different direction! (Especially whenever Subaru remembered Kamui…)


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